the light ahead

and then one day my prince came...

2008-02-10T19:46:00.000-08:00

Incredible- By Melissa Good
Written for Kevin Derksen
Sept.16.07

We’re diving into this incredible
And wild realm
Incredible!
Out of the whole world,
Two pieces of the puzzle go together
Frustrated!
I’ve tried to put others in that place
They weren’t meant to fit
My heart was not for them

When you take my hand
You melt my insides
Your arms securely around me
I’m yours
It’s incredible to love someone,
To be with you is pure joy

I want to smile and cry at the same time
I can’t believe this is happening to me
I’ll wake up, just wait and see
Are we both full of such feelings of inadequacy?

I can’t look at your eyes
For fear that mine will betray me
I may linger and never move
As I admire that ‘mystical’ blue
What if I said, “I love you”
Do you love me too?
How do we know if it’s really true
I trust you, respect you, support, adore,
I’d give my life for you.

Incredible that God has given you to me
So many things I have yet to learn and see
God show us what love is, how to love purely,
A love that protects, trusts, perseveres and never fails.

Sept.22.07

2008-02-10T19:44:00.001-08:00

Same old struggle
Same old crap

Some days it’s better
Some days it’s nothing
Some days it’s all that I can think of and it tears me apart

Say you’ll set me free
Someone help me, this is beyond what I can bear
Say that I am not alone and one day I will overcome

She’s thinking…
I’m no good
I’m a failure
I’m worthless
I’m hurting
I’m not sure I want to be around some days

Say you’ll set me free

brutal honesty from when I was hospitalized

2008-02-10T19:42:00.000-08:00

Oct. 23.07

Hey God,
So here I am sitting on my bed in the hospital after 24 hours in emergency. I have no idea what we’re doing God but its hard. Not trying to complain ‘cause you have gifted me with amazing people in my life to support me through all this…but I wish I was better at not knowing what you were up and to and being ok with it.

Forgive me Father since my small little mind cannot contain everything that has occurred in the past 2 weeks health wise. Should I quit school? Should I not work? How can I not work? Am I in the right program? Do you want me to just take longer?
SO! SO! Confused!I just want to scream, get me out of this hole.

I want to get outside where I can breathe again. I feel like I’m being squished and swallowed. Like I have no control over what happens to me and that scares the crap out of me. I know I’m fighting you and I have no idea why. You are blessing me with so many good things…and yet something is off with me and I know it. But I don’t know what that actually is.

HELP ME TO GIVE UP CONTROL.
Didn’t think I needed to but apparently I do, and it’s HARD.
Give up my plans, my health, even my life.
God I feel so alone, and absolutely freaked out to be so alone. Not so much the place that bothers me but more so that I feel like I don’t have you near, instead something else is there and that something is very wrong.

Father I need you…I need you so much closer or I may as well never wake up if my days are not lived for you and by you. Why must it take crisis for me to be drawn back to you?
I want to say Father that I need you to forgive me for not treating your temple as I should. Forgive me for what happened when I was a kid…take away my guilt Father. Take it away ‘cause I can’t stand carrying its load needlessly anymore.

I just want out of here. This mess I call the monsterous side of Melissa. I want to be rid of it. Cleanse me, renew me, make me whole. I need to be made whole again.
I want to go home…not just physically.

Sometimes I just want to give up. Totally, but then I know that’s not what you want. You want me to fight. God show me that you are the one fighting, right now I just need to be still. When I get strong enough…I can be the one you may use to fight.

God fix me please. Help me! help me! help me!
I need you, help me.

satisfaction

2008-02-10T19:38:00.000-08:00

There’s a smile on my face
It’s been awhile since that’s genuinely been plastered there of my own doing
I feel so light, so in love and carefree
My God, hold me here and I will be satisfied forever

Why couldn’t I see it before
So much about you makes sense!
You are the King who’s in control of the sufferings and the blessings
You are eternal and everything you say is soaked and dripping in utter truth
Truth that gives life and revives my soul that was once so stuck…
Stuck in the sticky mess of lies and darkness, imprisoned and suffocating myself

I am revived at the very thought of you
I am filled with purposefulness because my purpose is to please you
I am in awe of you because you are so pure
I want to know what its like to be like you, to please you, know you,
be satisfied again.
Right here and now I am satisfied with you my love.

my wierd little mind...

2008-02-10T19:35:00.000-08:00

The mind has such an ability to take over
Why is it that I can’t trust mine?
There are so many insecurity’s inside this girl its not even funny
I wonder why I would imagine dragging you into them
And yet that would be what the enemy wants
Wouldn’t it?

We’re better together
Two are better than one
If I struggle alone, that’s as far as I’ll ever get
You are by my side, which doesn’t make sense!
Why do you love me?
Why would you commit to me?
Why am I afraid of the thing I’ve wanted all my life?
I’m so confusing.

You know what I think…
I’m trying to handle things that are not mine
God is the one who will keep us together
I must entrust myself and all my fears over to him
I must count on him for unconditional love
To show me how to trust you respectfully, lovingly
I can’t let anyone tell me my limitations
Let’s dream bigger, beyond what this world desires!

God's redemptive work in my story...

2008-02-10T19:32:00.000-08:00

I remember the days of simplicity
Days of innocence, living carefree
When we were young,You picked on me
I yelled at you ‘cuz that’s what kids do!

Those sweet days of trust were shattered
Life moved on in a whirl of busyness
We grew up
Grew in character and interests
By Grad everything changed
A new life began, each of us scattered

Through deepest valleys I’ve trudged on through
Atop of mountainous peaks, my eyes have seen you
This heart has broken a time or two,
Dry from tears fallen and caught by you

You’ve gifted me, blessed, tried and tested
In my homeland or somewhere foreign
Yet I struggle to know your purpose
My eyes are dimmed to your light
All I know is you hold me in the dark
You take my hand and lead me out of night

too much time to think

2007-08-30T05:49:00.000-07:00

I like having time to think but waking up at 4:30 and just laying in bed thinking for hours is like torture for me.
Do you ever feel like you just don't fit anywhere?
I yet again am struggling to readjust to my home culture after an incredibly eye opening trip. A whirlwind on thoughts and emotions are swirling and I lost my journal on an airplane so now I must dump on my blog.

My Father, how sweet it is to know you
I've run away far too often, too easily
There's been many a night that I lingered in those shadows that seemed to swallow me whole
Thoughts that would not stop
Lies that take me over
I'm waiting for the power I've heard of and need desperately to know
You are the living God not some piece of something that man could make

If you are the living God then why aren't we living like we know it?
You fill us so we can overcome but we shrink back and are destroyed.

It makes me sick that I have been so blessed, so privileged, so safe and comfortable
Oh God, my heart breaks for them
Overwhelmed by the sorrow, suffering and sin that has engulfed their lives
You are gracious and compassionate, do something Father!

The human heart is so filthy and self absorbed, save us from the things that we think we need but that really only destroy us
Oh God, awaken in your people a passion for you, a hate for sin.
Anything that would directly or slowly tear us from you...
I despair at the thought of it.
I would have been swallowed by fear if you were not on my side.
If you were not there.

Show me that there is hope
Convince me of the truth
Remind me what its like to have peace
Content with myself
Perfection cannot be expected of anyone
Look forward to the future but live in the moment
Married, Kids, Missions...the 3 most important things to me that I desire.
You know my heart, its yours, help me to trust and wait.
Keep perspective
Use my ability to feel deeply for your glory, don't let me fall apart, fall away
Love deeply
Unconditionally, not something I make up but offer it to anyone and everyone
Trust completely
completely!

Playing with Fire

2007-07-11T18:12:00.000-07:00

Playing with fire
Though it burns I linger
With a want for more

How could pain be something I crave?
The only solution in my mind.

What am I thinking!?
Everything and yet nothing...
I feel hallow, I think in one box, one zone.
How can I get free?
I'm thinking;
I'm underserving
I'm no good
I'm lost and alone
I'm hurting, broken and falling apart
I'm losing
I've lost

You want me to break?
I'll show you broken!

Someone save me
If you find anything worthwhile
Someone love me back
Someone fight for me
I'm took weak to think, to stand, or swing

How far can I go...till you refuse to take me back?
I'm destroying myself.
Break me,
heal me,
love me,
take me back.

God thoughts...

2007-04-13T20:18:00.000-07:00

'Do you think I cannot call on my Father,
and He will at once put at my disposal more than 12 legions of angels?
But how then would the scriptures be fulfilled that say it must happen in this way?'
Matt. 26:53-54

Jesus seems to be asking me this same question, similar but with obviously different circumstances. I think the meanign is not lost.

What do I believe God can/can't do? Then, what is the truth?
In reality, what is often the case 'must happen this way'for various reasons. Some reasons we get to know and understand, while others we never will. For example, God must remain consistent with his character, our character needs developement. So we can reject God or choose to learn something new about His character.

let my heart live

2007-04-13T20:13:00.000-07:00

Lift up my head in this time of trouble,
Carry me when I can't carry on.

Look like we're pretty broken this time;
downcast, disturbed, Oh my soul!
Let my heart live!

Put your hope in God,
for I will still praise him,
my Saviour and my God.

questions I ask myself

2007-04-13T20:11:00.000-07:00

If I asked you for something would I see it?
I'm not sure if I have the faith that I would.

If you asked me to follow you, I know I should.
If only my life and my heart would convince you that I could.

If I was in trouble and close to death,
would I trust that you could save me?
No, what I fear is that I have so little faith.

life

2007-01-02T14:36:00.000-08:00

Its really something I don't understand
, don't think I ever will and still don't think I'd ever want to fully.
Seems like we're always rushing to get somewhere ,
but I haven't quite found wherever it is I feel that I am supposed to be going.
Why is it that I can be so focused on getting through something and on to the next thing, rather than enjoy life where I'm at and all the little steps it takes to get there...
Strange how we can so easily be lured into this hungry for more society,
without even realizing it maybe,
then you take a look at yourself and think.
When did this happen?!
Stepping outside of this trend you realize you truly don't ' fit'.
Maybe I don't care so much about fitting!
What good is it to gain the world and forfeit my soul?!
Why does it seem so hard to be satisfied?
I want to learn the secret to being content in any and every situation.
There's so much room to grow and so much more to know,
so why do I sit around and not get anywhere!
Faith without deeds is dead.
Realizing that its not all about me.
There is far more need and hurt going on in the world than in my little bubble.
I say I'd do anything and go anywhere for you...but what if thats not what you ask me to do?!
You have set eternity in the hearts of men,
so that they cannot fathom what you have done from beginning to end.
faith in what is seen is no hope at all, for who hopes for what he already has...

wake up to...

2006-09-20T21:45:00.000-07:00

Wake up again the same old way.
To the rude awakening of an old alarm clock.
Bursting into my sleep and telling me its time.
Time to begin this mountainous climb.
Seems so overwhelming, so daunting, so impossible.

Who do I do this for?
Whose smiling face will warmly greet me when I FINALLY, bruised, broken and blistered...arrive at the final place to which I'd been striving.
Only YOU know what I face everyday. Every part of every day.
HOPE!
Where has it gone!?
Right now I"m trapped in these walls of this house.
Gazing out the window and only ever dreaming past my own overgrown lawn.
The darkness and heaviness of it all seems to laugh me in the face! slap me even, and I still feel the sting.

But not today. I'm telling you...I got through, but not without you.
Today I"ll wake up with hope in my heart, that the sun will grace me with its presence and melt away the hurt , pain and confusion.
Today I"ll go out knowing that with my God I can scale a wall, move a mountain, is anything too difficult for him?

I hope you know I'm doing this all for you.
Though I may be tired, weary, lose my vision and purpose.
Though it can be easier to focus on these momentary discomforts.
You've said you have been waiting for me. Your bride. Your child. Your sheep that has gone off but you rescued me.
Do I really deserve to see your loving face?
Look me in the eye and tell me is all going to be ok.
That all these things have not outstepped your protecting and powerful hands.

But when I do reach the destination I have been striving for, I know it'll all be worth it.
I can only hope you'll call me faithful and say that I did well.
You are my hope and You are enough today, tomorrow and always.

aww, my very own blog!

2006-09-10T20:11:00.000-07:00

Well here I am. Finally conforming to the whole blog scene! Since being back at home I've decided I'm still going to write every couple of weeks as to what God is showing me, teaching me, how he's showing up in my life. What a great thing for each of us to do, brag about God in our lives!
Who knows what else may appear on this thing, oh the possibilities!
Lately I am realizing its even more important for someone like me to take some quiet time to think about life and what in the world is going on in it for me. Like there's so many broken little pieces and I feel like I should be doing something with them but what? when ? where? how? So many questions without satisfying answers.

I guess one of the biggest things that keeps smacking me in the face is to just stop myself long enough to truly enjoy a moment. Or to really think through what lesson I should be learning. Or to just try with all my might NOT to think about a million things, just be silent.

There's a song by Further Seems Forever that is so true for me right now...
' Take this heart of darkness, I give it up...and all the emptiness I refill it up. The times that I feel nothing, you bring enough. So I can live for something, lift me up. And all these bad dreams , I wake up to the light. And when I can't see, I wake up to your eyes. Wake me up. There's a light up ahead...'

Wow that just burns inside me a peace and deep love for the God who acepts a heart opposite to his own. Refill's the emptiness inside. When I feel nothing, want to be passionate or whatever, he bring's enough!
God is what I live for, that light up ahead that is soothing to a soul weary of its own darkness and despair.
He is life giving and ultimately gives me purpose as I strive towards his wonderful light.

Let us for our own good learn to slow down and work through those burning questions. Chuck those desires and plans at a Father who wants to be involved in our lives.
As I heard recently , we must stand still in order to stand out.